Okay, this is gonna be a two-post night. Because there’s something else I need to write about. Cameron was scared of something at bed time. This was a first. Scared, perhaps. He didn’t nod when I asked him if he was scared or frightened. Later, I asked, “Are you worried?” He nodded, and asked for another hug.
After his bath, he was all snug and warm in his PJs, hair almost dry. I scooped him up in a hug, and said, “Boobie time, Cameron, then bedtime.” Yes, I still nurse him at night, and yes, we call it boobie time. We were right by the livingroom window. He pointed outside and asked, “Everyone safe?” in a quiet, troubled voice. I assured him that everyone we know and love is safe. “Cars safe?” Only now when I’m writing this does it occur to me that I might have said ‘everyone we love and care about’, just maybe he heard ‘care’ and thought I said car. But I told him that all the cars were locked and safe. “Cars driving? Taxi cars?” Ooookay I thought, assured him they were safe, that Samuel, Phillip, and Maite (next door neighbours and friends) were safe, Granna and Grampa Bill were safe, Grandma and Grandpa were safe, Betty was safe, so were Granpa Gordon and Caroline. Phew. Cameron was safe, Mommy was safe, Nimoo-kitty was safe.
He fussed when boobie time was done and I announced it was bedtime, then asked, “Turn off letter P light?” WHAT? I looked around the room, trying to figure out what on earth he could mean. “Turn off the light?” I asked looking up at the dimmed living room lamp. “No, no that one. Letter P light.” He was so visibly troubled by the letter P light that I carried him around the livingrom trying to figure out what was going on. He pointed out the window. Really, there’s one obvious light; the streetlight. So I asked if that’s what he meant, and he nodded. So I explained that it’s not a letter P, it’s a street light, and it’s okay. My son is hallucinating, I thought to myself. I did give him benedryl again tonight, after all. Still concerned about the hives, his feet weren’t quite ‘normal’ today yet. He didn’t seem to buy it, and pointed across the street. “Other light off.” So I explained that people turn off their lights at the front doors themselves, but we can’t turn off the street light, I don’t know where the off switch is, and besides the light helps to keep us safe.
He seemed somewhat mollified by this, and reluctantly agreed to go to bed. Where he insisted, in a very different and uncertain voice from his normal one, on many hugs and kisses. I love hearing my little sweetheart say “Love you mommy,” but after ten times where he held my face to look straight at me … I’m spooked. Hence my asking him if he was worried, since he’d already indicated he wasn’t scared. But when I asked him to tell me what he was worried about, he just said, “Yeah.” Okay, I figured, let’s just reassure him. So I did. I pointed out his stuffies in his crib, his tyke-light buddy (kid-operated night light, wonderful!) and reminded him that Mommy stays right close by all night long. Reminded him that I love him, and that he’s safe. One more hug, one more kiss, night-night!
And I’m sure I’ll check on him twenty times tonight to be sure he’s still breathing. Already checked the door. It’s locked. And the smoke alarms work. And yes, I’m a wee bit freaked by this. I’m sure I’ll dream of a brightly lit letter P coming to chomp us all to bits, and trying to find its off-switch before it does.
Update in the a.m. 4:55: SCREEEEEAAAMMMMMMMOOOOOMMMMYYYYYY!!!! Ohmy. He was terrified. He was shaking from head to toe, and did NOT want the usual nightmare reassurance of going to the window. I stayed by his bed occasionally sshing for a half hour before creeping back to my own bed.