Lots on my Mind Tonight

A few weeks ago I met a guy, a single dad, at the pool with his son. He seemed interested in getting to know me, and I figured what the heck and gave him my phone number when he asked. He called a few times, and I finally returned his call. We made loose plans to get together this weekend.

But when he called, I saw it was him on Caller ID and didn’t answer, just let voicemail take his call. I still haven’t called him. Very rude of me, I know.

So what’s going on? Wouldn’t it be nice to have a date? Wouldn’t it be nice to have a boyfriend, or maybe eventually more?

Yeah. Maybe. Or maybe not.

Big on my mind is that it’s one hell of a risk. It’s not just me anymore, there’s Cameron too. And while he seems like a good guy … well, so did Adrian. Okay, this Alan guy (and let’s not forget he has the same name as my brother-in-law, disturbing in itself) has had, until just now, sole responsibility for his four year old son. Pretty good indication he’s a great guy, yes? Uh … Adrian had sole custody of his kids too.

Of course, fear is never a good basis for a decision. And yes, I’m terrified I’d get into another bad relationship. I doubt I’d get into as bad a one as I had with Adrian, or as deeply as I did, but that’s a risk I’m not wanting to take. How on earth are you supposed to tell if a guy is really a good guy or if he’s just putting up a good image until you’re blinded?

But most of all I’m already struggling in a way with my own identity and my own self-care right now. I’m feeling stretched already between being Mommy and my new job, finding it hard to balance those roles and still have time for me. I don’t really want to add in a third role, girlfriend. I know that in a perfect relationship it’s “easy” and you can be you. But I just don’t have the energy right now to throw in someone else’s needs to the mix.

So why haven’t I told him to look elsewhere? As soon as I decide to reach for the phone, one of two things happens. Either I just feel too exhausted to bother … or I remember how nice it might be to go out with someone if it was good, and I remember that a new relationship doesn’t have to be (and shouldn’t be) full on 100 percent all the time right away.

Of course if I keep being so rude and not returning calls he might decide to move on anyway.

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6 responses to “Lots on my Mind Tonight

  1. Hon, I love that he’s called you and I can certainly see why you’d be gun shy after Adrian. I’d be worried if you didn’t feel gun shy. You should be.

    But…

    A date, going out once (or even 2 or 3 times) with a guy does not equal a relationship. It can, certainly, but it doesn’t need to.

    Think of this as ‘practice’. With no intent behind it for you…

    I can understand you feeling stretched, so that’s a big thing to consider…

    But, I’d say call him back. SOON. Go out for coffee with him once. Enjoy an evening doing something non-work and non-Mommy. Depending on when I can babysit (choose Wednesday this week… that way I’m not busy…:D).

    It doesn’t mean you need to let it be anything more than once, unless you want it to be. It doesn’t even mean it needs to be anything but friends for a while if you’re really gun shy and not ready.

    Up to you. You know I support you whatever you choose.

  2. Hey Mel.

    I say go for it. Like oasis1223 said, it’s just a date. Or two or three. You have to start somewhere. And if you’re struggling with identity, take this chance to indulge in someone else’s perspective of you. he’ll say things like “you are so funny”, or “wow, I hadn’t thought of it that way before”, and you’ll see a glimpse of yourself from his eyes. And that always feels good.

    You can do absolutely no harm with one date. ENJOY!!!!!

  3. I agree with the above two comments. It’s just dinner and a movie, you’re not agreeing to a life long commitment. Take it slow, have fun, and don’t let the screw ups of the last guy ruin your chances for something that might turn out to be really great. I say, go for it! Pick up the phone right now! Do it! DO IT!

    Here’s what a nerd I am: the first time I called my husband (back when he was just a guy), I got his answering machine. I hung up without leaving a message. Then I spent 20 minutes composing the perfect message. It showed I was available but not needy, that I could be witty but not boastful. I called back, recited my message, hung up. I’m a super nerd.

    See? You certainly won’t be as idiotic as I was! 🙂

  4. Yes fear is never a good reason. :)) There is no such thing as an ‘easy’ relationship, its always work. That said 2 dates don’t make a relationship. If anything you get a great friend. You’ve been through enough to recognize the red flags along with the green. Trust your gut and your instincts. And if you’re not ready you’re not ready. thats ok

  5. he he he… you’d think we planned the unified response… 😀

    Keep me posted. In fact, call me at work, or just after. I’ll answer your work-related question from our earlier call and we can sort out our schedules so I can take care of Cameron for you…

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