A few weeks ago I met a guy, a single dad, at the pool with his son. He seemed interested in getting to know me, and I figured what the heck and gave him my phone number when he asked. He called a few times, and I finally returned his call. We made loose plans to get together this weekend.
But when he called, I saw it was him on Caller ID and didn’t answer, just let voicemail take his call. I still haven’t called him. Very rude of me, I know.
So what’s going on? Wouldn’t it be nice to have a date? Wouldn’t it be nice to have a boyfriend, or maybe eventually more?
Yeah. Maybe. Or maybe not.
Big on my mind is that it’s one hell of a risk. It’s not just me anymore, there’s Cameron too. And while he seems like a good guy … well, so did Adrian. Okay, this Alan guy (and let’s not forget he has the same name as my brother-in-law, disturbing in itself) has had, until just now, sole responsibility for his four year old son. Pretty good indication he’s a great guy, yes? Uh … Adrian had sole custody of his kids too.
Of course, fear is never a good basis for a decision. And yes, I’m terrified I’d get into another bad relationship. I doubt I’d get into as bad a one as I had with Adrian, or as deeply as I did, but that’s a risk I’m not wanting to take. How on earth are you supposed to tell if a guy is really a good guy or if he’s just putting up a good image until you’re blinded?
But most of all I’m already struggling in a way with my own identity and my own self-care right now. I’m feeling stretched already between being Mommy and my new job, finding it hard to balance those roles and still have time for me. I don’t really want to add in a third role, girlfriend. I know that in a perfect relationship it’s “easy” and you can be you. But I just don’t have the energy right now to throw in someone else’s needs to the mix.
So why haven’t I told him to look elsewhere? As soon as I decide to reach for the phone, one of two things happens. Either I just feel too exhausted to bother … or I remember how nice it might be to go out with someone if it was good, and I remember that a new relationship doesn’t have to be (and shouldn’t be) full on 100 percent all the time right away.
Of course if I keep being so rude and not returning calls he might decide to move on anyway.