Tonight was supposed to be the last of the six “Mama Renew” sessions. In fact, it was the last one. And I’m here. At home.
Half the point of these sessions is learning to value yourself enough to take time for yourself, to recognize the necessity of it, and to re-learn how to do it.
It’s not like tonight was a surprise. I knew the date a month ago. I got an email reminder late last week. I remembered yesterday that I had to email my downstairs neighbours to ask one of them to babysit. This morning I saw that email again as I flipped through my emails, said, “Ohyeah, I’ve got to email them,” and didn’t.
Did I not want to go? I don’t think that’s the case. I very much like the women in the group, and I look forward to these evenings. I feel a little recharged after each one, and each person in the group tends to give me something to think about – a different perspective.
I got home this evening and technically speaking had time to ask downstairs in a panic, get supper on the table and the bathtub filled, and hand off Cameron. It just seemed like so much work, when all I really wanted to do was relax at home after a long day. I told myself that it wasn’t fair to Cameron to do this so suddenly, when he hadn’t seen me all day (nevermind we’d spent the weekend with only a few sleeping hours spent apart). Then at one point I figured “Hey, maybe I could still make it for the last half,” but nobody was home downstairs. Oh well, I thought, it would’ve been too rushed, too stressful, too much trouble.
Too much trouble to take a bit of time to myself. Am I right back to where I started?
Hmm. No. When I started I would’ve done just what I’m doing now (sitting and sulking on the couch) but not really understood why.