Feeling Kind of Blue

For the most part, I like being single. Or at least, I like it enough to not really be bothered with trying to date. Most days I don’t even think about it. If I do, it’s to briefly consider, then remember that I don’t have the time – not just the time to have a relationship, but also the time to find that right one guy.

Tonight was a rough one. My GODS Cameron drove me up the wall. I knew going into it that it would be tough, as I’m still sick, and wiped right out. But I had a plan. It’s those nights that are the hardest, when I have a plan and am sure that everything will be fine but it’s not. Every statement I made was argued. Every time I asked if he wanted to do something, like say goodnight to Granna and Grandpa Bill when we were skyping with them, was met with a NO … then as soon as the possibility was removed, apparently I was supposed to know that no meant yes, and wait for him to come around. We’re talking a good twenty minutes of screaming over that one particular thing, and that was one of many. He spent another twenty minutes downstairs with Pat while I stomped to Capers to get pull-ups … we had run out, and no way were baby diapers okay. Once in bed, he refused to let me read Little Bear to him; he wanted to read it. I warned him very clearly that he was welcome to read it, but I wouldn’t come back in afterwards to read it. If he said no to my reading it now, that was that. Goodnight meant goodnight. He all but pushed me off his bed. Then ten minutes later howled and sobbed because he wanted me to read little bear. I refused, and very quietly cried in the living room.

Why wouldn’t I read the story to him? I’m SICK AND TIRED of this game. It’s a delay and attention tactic and it’s driving me nuts. With all his delay tactics I swear I need to get him to bed before we’re even in the door in the evenings if I want him asleep by nine.

One hour later I snuck into Cameron’s bedroom to be sure he had covers over him. A very sad little face turned up to blink at me. He was still awake. My little love was lying there feeling all dejected and sad and hurt … and hell yeah I read Little Bear to him then. And I snuggled with him in bed until long after he’d fallen asleep.

Because after an evening like tonight, that’s what I want.

To be held, by someone who loves me, until I’m asleep.


5 responses to “Feeling Kind of Blue

  1. Ah hon. I wish I could do something to fix this feeling for you. All I can say is HUG HUG HUG and know that I’m here for you.

  2. please know that you are loved, that you are thought of many times every day, that I knew last night was a rough one . . . that words are not enough and I wish I could have reached through the miles to hug you . . . love you

  3. Hey, I get it too. Hope today goes better.

    Ever notice how unruly the kids get when WE are feeling sick? Guess our tolerance level is so shot as well.

    Here’s to a better day for BOTH of you!! And sending a HUG your way to boot.

  4. You did the right thing by not going back in when he screamed and hollered. I know its hard. It is so damn hard. But it is the only way he will learn that he doesn’t get what he wants by screaming. SO. DAMN. HARD. You are doing an amazing job.

  5. I think all mommies have days like this, single or not. There are days when I seriously want to beat the ever loving crap out of Allie! And then all she needs to do give me one sweet look and then I melt like butter and I am putty in her chubby little hands.

    Just keep reminding yourself that the good days outweigh the bad. By a ton.


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