Unbeknownst to most Vancouverites, there is a pride of lions living deep in the heart of the city. There used to be two, but we’ll get to that in a bit. Right now, there is just the one. I’m aware of them, but I am only well familiar with two, a mommy lion and her baby lion.
Before you get too distressed, let me assure you. These are not your everyday lions. They did not escape from a zoo. Or … maybe they did. I haven’t asked. Maybe I should. Anyway, these are Well Behaved Restaurant Lions, a subspecies of Panthera leo that is so well behaved that they are welcomed into the better restaurants of the city. They wear their seatbelts in cars, and can even fly in airplanes. For those of you fortunate enough to be able to see them, you can distinguish them from Not Well Behaved Lions by their colour: Well Behaved are blue for the most part, while Not Well Behaved are green.
The Well Behaved lion enjoys a wide variety of food, but seems partial to sausages and scrambled eggs. I have witnessed them enjoying broccoli and pizza … or that is to say, I have been in the room with them while they do this. They are diurnal in habit, though occasionally awake before dawn and are noisy.
Now, I am sad to say that the Not Well Behaved Lions are a problem that seem to come hand in hand with the Well Behaved ones. I am not yet certain as to whether one is an aberrant form of the other, or if they are indeed different species. I have a hunch that the Well Behaved Lions are the product of a spontaneous event that differentiated them from the Not Well Behaved ones. This green variant has decidedly different habits. Their diet has not yet been observed, but given that they like to bite little boys I daresay I’m glad. They do however seem attracted to raw meat. They love to prowl on rooftops over the beds of little boys as well, preferring night time activity to daytime.
Should you find yourself plagued by Not Well Behaved Lions, there is really only one thing to do. Sure, you can evict them from your house on a nightly basis, a process that involves grabbing them by tail and mane and flinging them out the nearest window or door. This is not a long-term solution though, and only seems to encourage the appearance of more and more lions with every passing night. You must also, should you not be able to see them, check the colour with someone who can, lest you accidentally toss a Well Behaved Lion. A better solution is to rid your house and home of them for good. We have found that trapping the Not Well Behaved Lions in Grandma and Grandpa’s garage with the bait of a large chunk of meat hung up high is effective. Once trapped, the Not Well Behaved Lions can be packaged up and sent by mail (not express post, the regular mail) to Cuba. This, in case you did not know, is a far-away island in the middle of a sea with miles upon miles of beaches. IT will take the lions weeks to determine that they are in fact on an island, and then they will be so confused that they will not know which way to swim. Indeed, this should prove effective for at least a year at keeping the Not Well Behaved Lions at bay.
Which means you and your loved ones can relax and enjoy the peace, with Well Behaved Lions to keep you company and warm your bed for you while your Mommy reads you a story.
(With lots of thanks for the lion stuffy sent by Grandma and Grandpa to protect Cameron, and for their courage in undertaking the packaging-up of the Not Well Behaved Lions to send them to Cuba. I’m sure that freight for a pride of those things cost a bundle too!)