Tonight was the first night of this second Mama Renew session, and I’m of course a bit of a mess. Why of course? Isn’t this supposed to be good for me? Of course it is, and it will be, I just need to sort through some of the topics that came up. The main subject was creativity, and this is a bit of a touchy subject for me. So I need to think a bit before I even attempt insight.
We did, however, review a little. We took some time to just read over the first six chapters of the book, reading and revisiting the thought provoking questions. Two things stood out to me.
I had underlined in one of my responses a question of my own. “Who is judging me?” Ironic that I’d just written to another single mother on babycenter.com that she won’t be able to feel relaxed and accepted until she can accept her own self and stop judging herself. I judge myself a lot, and harshly. Sometimes that’s fair! There are some things that I suck at. But when I judge myself and transpose that opinion onto someone else, so that I have even convinced myself that they think this judgment about me … then it’s unhealthy. We all do it to some degree. Someone looks vaguely in our direction and the instant thought is, “they’re looking at me,” often rapidly followed by, “they think my hair looks awful,” or, “they think I look fat.” I need to sort out internal vs external sources of criticism.
And of course there was my big epiphany. I need to allow myself to feel success. I need to not only create goals and tasks that allow me to feel a sense of completion and incremental steps towards a final goal, but also I need to give myself permission to feel success.
They’re related. Duh.
So I need to back up a bit. I’ve created all these lists of things I want to do, things I need to do, approaches to try, things I’m doing badly. Yet I write that I want to appreciate the small happinesses. Wouldn’t it be helpful to recognize successes now and then? What am I doing well?
I’ve read two books in the last month; one fiction and the other nonfiction. Neither was a book I had read in the past. It’s very much time for me to start reading new books, instead of relying on my fallback favourites, and I’m making a good start at it.
I think that tonight is the fourth night in a row that I’m going to bed with no dirty dishes in the sink. No, they aren’t even piled around the sink. They’re all clean. Yay!
I’m making progress in tidying my room. Perhaps not much will get done tonight, but small steps.
I solved a big financial question at work today. Lots of money will be transferred into the account where it actually belongs.
We got out the door earlier this morning, without a pressing class or appointment driving me.
I’m having success in getting Cameron to cope with me not right there. I mean, he’s okay with being in the living room while I’m in the kitchen most of the time. Close a door between us and it’s another story. So if I close the WC door to go pee in privacy I do so with deafening screams and wholloping bangs on the door. But today he coped nicely with it. He was standing on a chair outside the room turning the WC light on and off and on and off, but that’s a whole lot less disturbing than the alternative. Maybe soon I’ll be able to do my business in peace.