I’m having a hard time coping tonight. I’m not even really certain as to why, as it was a pretty good day. I had a good sleep. The sun shone, we went to Science World and had fun, rode the Skytrain, went to JJ’s, went to the playground, and I chatted with my neighbour while Cameron and Samuel played together. The early evening was fine – Cameron was so tired he wanted to just sit and watch Word Factory. He was so sleepy he couldn’t eat his supper. We skipped bath, I read him stories … and that’s when it started. He wanted more and more stories, then wanted to sleep on my lap, but squirmed and kicked and rolled and talked. Into bed. Ohmylord that made it worse. In the end, by the time I managed to get him to eat something and then lie still for three minutes so he could fall asleep, it was later than he usually falls asleep. In the end, he wound up unhappily falling asleep in his bed alone while I curled up in the comfy chair and cried. I had yelled at him, because I was trying to get some oatmeal and applesauce into him so he’d sleep but he just wanted to play. I had thrown a plastic cup at the wall in the kitchen. And I just wanted my little love to fall asleep so I could have a bit of ME time.
After a while I felt so awful that I went to his room and curled up with him, shhhed him as he told me that M says MMmmmmm and E says eh, and held him while he twitched and snored to sleep.
My downstairs neighbour was wonderful. She came up when I asked, after Cameron was finally asleep, and stayed in the apartment so I could get out. I walked, fast. I sat on a bench and cried. And I came home.
I do know part of what’s going on, to tell the truth, and it’s bits and pieces that all add up. I’m envious that my neighbours can take breaks, one goes to a conference or visiting home, and the other stays with their son. On a day like today I get zero alone time, and I’m a person who needs that. But the big things are from my blog browsing last night, I came across two thought-provoking blog posts that have unsettled me a little. I need to write my way through dealing with one of them, but just don’t have it in me right now.
I’m doing okay … just having coping problems, will be back to my more chipper self soon I’m sure. So for now, to re-set my mood a little, some happinesses.
Sunshine in a clean and tidy kitchen in the morning, the kettle still trickles steam while tea steeps in the hand made pot.
The shortbread Cameron and I made last week is now just the right texture after sitting a bit. I love that creamy-back-of-tongue yumminess.
Cameron’s reaction to Science World. “It’s working,” he shouted with glee as he saw that the ball-sound-sculpture, for lack of better name, was indeed working. It’s only not been working once that I can remember, but it gives him such pleasure to watch and listen. Inside, he listened as I carefully answered his whys. He shared, to the point of chasing a girl across the busy large room to give her a ball. He eagerly volunteered when we were watching the centre stage show, though he’s really still so young they’ll never pick him.
The air on my walk was cold, and fresh. No sign yet of the scents of spring, still just cold damp leaves and dirt of winter, but if you look closely you can see that it’s on the way. Some cherry trees have the faintest hint of new-bud fuzz. Hedges have green showing through cracks in the buds. The odd protected garden shows the first points of tulip and daffodil foliage poking up through the soil. The sky was clear but with a bit of haze, and with an enormous ring around the moon. It’ll rain tomorrow.