The question that sent me in a bit of a tailspin last weekend was one posed on MsSingleMama, one that needed a bit of thinking about, and I’m not certain that I like some of the answers.
Would I date myself?
At first I launched into a downward spiral. I see very little to admire in my reflection, I do very little other than work and look after Cameron, and I have no time.
But if we’re just talking dating? Sure. Might be fun. Assuming that the me that I’m dating manages to find the time, and stay awake.
Then the R word crops up. Relationship. That next step after dating, where things become closer, would I do that? At this point, no.
It has nothing directly to do with my reflection in the mirror or with my clothing size. Not having the time? I know very well I’d make the time for the right person. Instead, it has much to do with my reaction to that reflection and clothing size. I’m quick to see my faults – my teeth, my chin, my skin, my eyebrows – everything about me that displeases me in my appearance. I’m more than just my clothing size, and yet I’m horribly disappointed in myself at the sizes I wear. Everyone has their insecurities, for certain, but I need to get mine a little under control. Which will take a bit of work, as I know that they’re only the surface ripples of deeper fears and insecurities.
As much as I miss the idea of being in a relationship, of having someone there who loves me, of loving someone else, I have to say that I don’t think I’m ready for it. I can’t help but think, what if he’s another A? What if I react to him like I did to A, and set myself up for more? What if I treat him like he’s behaving like A, when he isn’t really? See? I’m getting myself all tied up in knots. Which is a pretty good indication to me that I’m not ready to put myself out there, not yet.
I still have that motor on my boat. While I’ve rediscovered some passion and drive, it’s still a squeaky-toy-ish motor, but at least it’s put-put-putting along. I’m not alone; I am on my own. And that’s still for the best, right now.
So today instead of happinesses, some ‘good about myself things’. Sometimes one’s own horn needs a bit of tooting, right?
That bit of drive? Yup, I might just be writing a feature article for a magazine! More on that as it comes together; I want to get my first draft written and some feedback before really announcing it.
I am doing pretty good in my position, keeping my head above water. And given the breadth of my work and the number of tasks I have to keep track of, I think that’s saying something.
I can snowboard, ski, rock climb, kayak, sail – it might have been years ago now, but I did win a fancy plaque, we placed second overall during one summer’s racing. My pottery might not be delicate, but given that I didn’t do it for long, it wasn’t bad! I WILL do all of these things again.
I wrote a chapter in a book that got published last year AND I won a writing contest. Not bad for my first year of writing.
Okay … enough. I’ve got a sink full of dishes (and very few in the cupboards) and it’s 12:30.