I’m not too certain what is going on in my head right now. Really, I should be in a fairly good mood. Cameron is sleeping well, he’s having a better time at daycare, Lori even called me at home to discuss something. My apartment is fairly clean and tidy. Work is going well. It’s cold but sunny, and spring is on the way. I had a wonderful weekend with Mom and Nana, and a fantastic evening on my birthday.
And yet I’m in a horrible mood, and incredibly sad.
You know how being around a grumbly, grouchy, or even just generally blue person can bring you down? I feel like I have a little voice right behind my right ear that’s muttering and snarling obscenities just barely audibly. No – don’t freak out, I’m not hearing voices. That’s just the best that I can describe how I feel. Like I’m being pestered into being in a bad mood by something external … even though I’m pretty certain it’s internal.
It’s colouring just about everything these last few days. My skewed interpretation of the 37 thing with Mom is likely the result of this. I’m far more likely to assume unpleasant things about people I don’t even know, which is not the norm for me. I have far less patience with some people at work. I’m interpreting other people’s behaviour in negative terms with no reason.
There is absolutely nothing wrong, and yet I feel like I could cry for five hours straight. Then sleep for three days.
I’m willing to bet that a large portion of this is just being tired. The clock change has me a little off schedule, where once I was awake until after midnight now it doesn’t feel that late until after one.
So I need to head to bed and remind myself that this is a passing thing. Also, I need to focus on the good parts about today.
A quick walk out in the cold sunshine with a friend at work to get a treat at Starbucks.
Snuggling this morning with Cameron in my bed. We both fell back to sleep, right through my alarm, but it was worth it. It was one of those fairly rare times when Cameron settled down and into a deep sleep with me, tucked in close, holding my hand.
The purple and pink crocuses are still blooming despite their blanket of snow.
On the walk home with a very tired napless Cameron, we stopped at the firehall just as Firefighter Kerry was bringing out the ladder truck for its shift check. Kerry happily included us, getting Cameron to push a button to open up the water to one of the hoses up front, then up on the front bumper to open up the valve to send water spurting across the street. Cameron got to lower the stabilizers on one side – then firmly believed that Kerry was putting up the ladder just for him. Later, Cameron and I talked about it, and instead of his typical “I don’t know” when I asked what his favourite part was, he said, “When I opened up the hose and sploooosh, out came the water!” He also wanted to refer to the firefighter by name, but couldn’t remember, so he asked.
Okay, Cameron’s been coughing for half an hour, time to maybe address that and head to bed.