I did have a fun post planned for tonight. I might still post it as it’s all done but the editing and photos, but two things came up. Tonight was the last Mama Renew session, and I’d known about it but wasn’t sure to be honest that I was going to go. It just seemed like huge work to get out of the door. But tonight came around and yes, I wanted to do it, even though it wasn’t convenient at all.
The first thing that came up about the post that I’d written came out of the Mama Renew session. I’ve realized that I’ve fallen into the trap of adventure and memories being just a product of what we do. I’ve been writing trip reports, but our adventures are more than just that. So I need to re-direct a little.
The second thing was that it was pointed out to me on my return that tonight was mildly inconvenient for my downstairs neighbour. That I should be able to plan these evenings. And he’s right – except that I can’t plan my way out of a paper bag these days. I very specifically said that if he had other things planned, it was okay, and I did my best to not make it sound pathetic. I know I can’t expect them to drop everything for me. I said I would be back at nine-thirty-ish. I recognize that not everyone understands that ‘ish’ means around that time probably later and I should be more specific. I also haven’t asked them to look after him, except for one really un-plannable breakdown moment, in two months.
It’s hard enough for me to ask neighbours to look after Cameron. That’s part of the reason it’s so hard for me to plan, because I hate asking. But dammit, I deserve to be able to, every now and then, need a spontaneous break. I deserve to be able to change plans now and then. I deserve to be able to ask for help at a time when I’m not screaming at the top of my lungs having a breakdown because I cannot handle one more second.
And now I feel like shit, because now I feel like I can’t ask them.