I started off today with the best of intentions. I’d love to be able to present myself as a marvel of perfect parenting … but just can’t do that with a straight face. Because sure, we have our good days, same as any other family. Same as any other family, we have our nuclear meltdown days too, where nothing works as planned. To put it mildly.

Today was supposed to be a “yes” day. Overall it was. Cameron wanted to go to the beach. Okay! He wanted to have a balloon. Okay. He wanted to ride on boats. Okay. He wanted to go to science world. Okay. He wanted to go to the playground. Okay. He wanted to play with Samuel. Okay!

Sounds good, yes?

I should have nixed Science World, maybe even the playground, and closed the damn kitchen window so Cameron couldn’t yell across to Samuel and decide that they were going to play together. Because by that point to say no would’ve had messy consequences. Poor Cameron spent more time in the back yard getting yelled at by an exasperated and fed-up mommy than he spent playing with Samuel.

Neither one of us had record-breaking meltdowns tonight … but the frequency of them might just rank up there with our worst. Notable in my mind was when I’d just finished calling Cameron out for using a certain word, stood up and turned around, and he was using it again. I think the whole neighbourhood heard me shout a carefully censored, “WHAT THE HECK?”

So. I need to end tonight with happinesses or I’ll keep myself awake feeling just utterly miserable.

Cameron’s feeling a little insecure lately, as evidenced by his tearful snuggles and, “I don’t want to die, Mommy,” comments. He’s gotten worried about someone taking him, too. So today I gave him a whistle and instructed him, “If you’re scared or in trouble, you blow on that and I’ll come running!” He didn’t test me on it, but he clearly was glad to have it.

The beach was a huge letdown. No other kids to play with. Cigarette butts all over the place (we won’t go back there!), broken glass, and the sand just wasn’t good in general. Yuck. But I got Cameron happy with a simple trick. Bubbles. We took turns blowing them, and they’d be whipped away quickly by the wind, to tease smiles and grins from people sunning themselves downwind from us. Then Cameron took off to chase the bubbles, running as far as he felt comfortable, then tearing back through a column of shining bubbles.

I’ve finished A Complicated Kindness. I set a goal for myself for reading new books this year, and I think I’ll reach it without problem. The book has me all tied up in knots inside as to what I think about it – overall, depressing and stressful. But beautifully written.

Laundry hanging in my living room to dry.

Bedtime snuggles and reassurances with Cameron. He was still pretty upset and insecure when he went to sleep, but I did my best to reassure him that whatever happens, no matter what, I love him. I always will. Tonight was just tonight, it was a rough day, and tomorrow doesn’t have to be one. I love him, and so do a whole lot of other people.


2 responses to “Grumblemuttergrowlgrump

  1. Edison said it best:

    “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work. ”

    we have 6408 days from birth to age 18. if we get it right even once, we’re doing better than Edison.

    on a better day, buy yourself ice cream. and a rum drink. cuz that’s a reason to celebrate.

    and that day is coming.


  2. Pingback: More … « One in 36 Million·

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